Home: Blog: 2006-05-24 The Red Baron

Bidding for title "Lord Elpus" reaches £750,000A recent poll suggests that 57% of people now believe Tony Blair awarded peerages and civil honours in return for large donations to New Labour. The only surprise here is that, presumably, the other 43% didn't realise this: a result difficult to explain except by the theory that the poll was conducted amongst Canadian Inuits.

While the petty-minded have obsessed about the threat to democracy that this kind of patronage entails, the real question remains unanswered:

Where can a chap get a peerage these days for less than half a million quid?

In the first quarter of 2006 the soaring price of peerages added 0.1% to the rate of inflation, and many young Etonians face the prospect of never being able to afford a peerage of their own. Some face the bleak prospect of settling for knighthoods: rendered thoroughly unfashionable by the oafish televisual antics of the bearded manufacturer of randomly sellotaped together electronic gadgets (like the Amstrad Email-Footspa™) Sir Alan Sugar.

Well, I'm glad to say that I have solved this problem. Ten kilometres off the coast of Suffolk is a rusting World War II anti-aircraft platform called Roughs Tower. In 1967, at which time the abandoned structure stood in international waters, it was "invaded" by Paddy Roy Bates, who declared it to be the Independent Principality of Sealand.

In 1968, the Empire struck back, and a British Navy ship approached the rebel base, apparently intending to remove the new Royal Family. They were somewhat startled when Prince Roy's son Michael opened fire on them with a shotgun. Appalled at the prospect of someone making holes in their extremely expensive boat, the pride of the Queen's forces ran away.

Bad losers, though, they tipped of the fuzz. When Michael next set foot on British land, he was arrested, and taken to court on firearms charges. In a judgement which comes close to reconciling me to the quaint delusions of justice entertained by British judges, it was ruled that he could not be convicted because the offence had not taken place within British jurisdiction. In other words, and to the gorgeous embarrassment of the government, a British court had now officially ruled that Sealand was, indeed, "abroad".

These delightful nutters have maintained their state to this day, and though during that period the British state squandered lives asserting its power over the islands of the South Atlantic, they dared not disturb mighty Sealand, which mocked them from within sight of the Suffolk coast.

Now, Sealand has decided to show Blair how it's done. In a spirit of Glasnost which shames Blair's shifty peerage scam, the Principality is openly selling Lordships and Barony's on eBay, for the far more reasonable £19.99!

Many thanks to Gerry, who clearly noted my delight when I mentioned this enterprise to her, and as a very kind gift, had me appointed Baron Manny Neira of Sealand: a title I bear with immense pride. Long live the Sealand, bane of the British state, defenders of the individual right to sovereignty!

But there is better yet. Sealand is not the only state which has seceded to assert the power of individuals to govern their own lives free of the armed thuggery of the established states. In Sweden, artist Lars Vilks grew so tired of the efforts of the local council to destroy two huge and glorious sculptures he built on the coast that he was finally forced to do what any freedom loving individual must. In 1996 he declared the couple of square kilometres surrounding the sculpture to be the Sub-Anarchic Constitutional Republican Monarchy of Ladonia, and declared war on Sweden.

While no-one actually lives in Ladonia (Lars comments "all her citizens are nomads"), he made Ladonian citizenship available to anyone who applied for it. The population is now 11,853. Ladonia is government by a cabinet of around 40 members, on which I am proud to serve as the Minister of Undisclosable Purpose.

Well, in need of a university degree to apply for a particular IT contract, I asked my Ministerial pal Lars for his help, and he very generously awarded me an Honorary Doctorate from the University of Ladonia, and entirely without charge!

So, the message is clear. Don't waste millions on New Labour and their shabby aristocracy of sad old gits. Reject the British state, declare your own sovereignty, and swap titles and honours with your mates. And if the state should attempt to interfere, keep your shotgun handy.

Baron Dr Manny Neira PhD (hc) of Sealand

For more on the absurdities of nationalism, click here.